Memories, How Bittersweet
by LuvThatMotherChucker
Summary: Memories fade, but cannot be erased. The feelings may numb, but the marks are permanant. They would learn this. Every romance may be rekindled.ChuckxBlair. No good at summaries, but give it a try!
1. I Thought You Would Leave, Not Evaporate

341 days 21 hours and 34 minutes since he had seen her last. Not that he was counting. Not like he was hiding out in his bedroom because he had overheard a certain phone call with a leggy blond and a certain best friend of hers. It wasn't like he had calculated the exact amount of time since he had seen her last while waiting for the storm that would inevitably follow in her wake. Wasn't like he had flipped through the channels on the television trying to keep his mind off of bow-shaped lips and swaying hips. Not like he had shuffled through every single song on his iPod- choosing none because they all reminded him of her- before turning it off and re-calculating how long it had now been.

342 days 2 hours and 2 minutes. He closed his eyes and let the memories cloud his vision.

"_Chuck! Stop it!" She giggled, running away from him._

"_Oh no, you come back here!" He said, grabbing her waist from behind, feeling her laughter more than hearing it._

"_Chuck honestly! I have to get back to work! I have a paper due next Monday and I need to revise it!" She tried to squirm from his iron grasp, but to no avail._

_He only pressed his lips to her neck and began kissing a path from her neck to her jaw, and stopped at the shell of her ear. _

"_Please? You know you have an A Blair, it's as plain and simple as that"_

_She turned around to get a look at him before answering. "Well maybe I could put it off for a little while…"_

_"Why put off until tomorrow what can be ignored entirely?"_

_"I cannot IGNORE a paper, Chuck Bass. And you know it too. I have got to take this seriously!"_

_"Didn't anyone ever tell you? Never take life to seriously, Nobody gets out alive anyway."_

_She looked him straight in the eye, dead serious before answering; "No." He laughed and she looked bewildered for a moment before laughing too._

His trip down memory lane was ended abruptly when he heard a rapid succession of knocks upon his door. He sauntered purposely over to his door and was met with a familiar scene.

Serena Van der Woodsen was standing in front of his door looking guilty.

"What do you want?" he barked.

She looked at him, her blue eyes pleading. "Chuck I…you haven't picked up my calls so I…" she sighed. "I know you heard my conversation with—"

"_Don't_ say her name."

"Chuck! You have got to get over it! The past is the past!"

"And it would have stayed in the past if you hadn't convinced her to come home!"

Serena reeled back from this blow, and put her hands on her hips, glaring at him. He didn't budge. "Chuck. You cannot blame me for any of this. This, New York, this is her home. You cannot deny her her home. As much as you don't want her to return…I know you do. I know you aren't over her, and the reason she left—"

"She left because she wanted to."

"She left because you _told_ her to."

"Serena why couldn't you have told her to stay there? That is where she belongs. Locked up in France."

Serena lifted a consoling hand to his shoulder and he brushed it off, ignoring her attempts at reconciliation.

"I know you both hurt. But Chuck, don't blame her completely. And don't blame me at all. This, what's about to happen, it needs to. It's time that you two settled this. Nate and I cannot keep running back and forth between the two of you, trying to appease you. This mess is all about you two. This rift, this divide, I didn't make it. I'm trying to build bridges that you won't burn."

He sighed and began to shut the door before her hand stuck out to stop it. He looked to her, preparing for her next words of anger, but they never came.

"Chuck…could you just…could you just try?"

Miles away in her chateau in France, Blair sat on her bed looking at the suitcases lined up against her wall. All were neatly packed and organized. There were several full boxes stacked up in the corners of her room, and her rug was rolled into a cylinder. Downstairs, her books and furniture had been covered, as well as in the other rooms. She would send for her books later. The rest could stay here.

She sighed and picked up the last box from the confines of her closet, and when she did the bottom of the cardboard box gave out and the contents of the box spilled to the floor. She sighed and threw away the old box before kneeling on the ground and beginning to pick up the items. She came across a familiar picture… It was her. But more importantly it was her…and him.

They were sitting on a bench in central park, it was September, her hand on his cheek, his arm around her waist as she sat on his lap. Their faces were bright and happy and unknowing of the dark future. They smiled one of those secret smiles they had, the ones that were private, meant only for them.

Oh she remembered that day well… Serena and Nate had decided they needed a Nom-Judging Breakfast Club day. The four of them. The way it was before life got fucked up, and then haphazardly pieced back together.

_Serena stood on the edge of the fountain singing some song that Blair recognized but for the life of her couldn't remember the name of. Nate stood next to Chuck, telling him some tale about a girl named Bree whom he had met on a flight._

_Chuck looked over to her and winked, signaling that he would tell her about it later if she asked, and also that he really couldn't care less. He then put on an interested face and turned back to Nathanial. _

_Serena turned to Blair, "Blair!" Blair cringed at the pitch of her voice. "Yesss?" She said, drawing out the s. "Oh Blair I brought a camera! It's in my bag! 'I'll go get it!"_

_"Okay then S."She said, chuckling softly._

_She turned to find Chuck smiling at her fondly. "What?" She asked, if not a little breathlessly. It seemed the chilly air had gotten to her._

_"Nothing," He said, smiling that smile of his. "you just look…"_

_"Look?" she inquired_

_"Beautiful. And happy, and it's been awhile since I've seen that."_

_She returned his bashful smile and took his hand. With their cold fingers interlaced they walked over to the nearest bench. He sat down and she followed suit, settling on his lap. He put his hand to her cold cheek and she turned her lips to it and kissed it. He trailed his fingers down her arms and then settled his hand on her waist. She put her hand to his cheek and leaned in muttering softly, "I love you, Chuck Bass"_

_He smiled at her words, still unused to hearing them and looked to her, "I love you too, Blair Waldorf." _

_They were a hairsbreadth away from kissing when suddenly there was a snap, and a flash of light. And giggling. They turned to see Serena laughing and looking at the camera screen when Nate came up behind her and she showed the picture to him._

_Blair and Chuck glared at them both, when Blair hopped up from Chuck's lap._

_"Serena..." She said warningly._

_"Yes Blair?" Serena returned sweetly._

_"Serena that was a private moment and—"_

_Nate chuckled and said to her, "Oh but Blair! It was such a sweet moment! Can you blame her for wanting a picture?" _

_Chuck came up behind Blair, "Serena get rid of that picture right now." His tone was demanding._

_"Oh I don't know…It think I might…send it to Gossip Girl perhaps?" Chuck and Blair's eyes widened in horror, she continued, "oh, I can see it now. Upper East Side power couple Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass spotted getting lovey dovey on a bench in central park! Ah she would have a field day with that!"_

_"Serena don't you dare!" Blair warned her once more._

_"Oh but I think I will!"_

_Chuck and Blair looked to each other before nodding in confirmation. They both started off after Serena, who after realizing their game began to run off in the opposite direction. Chuck came around the front of Serena who turned around and ran right into Blair, who grabbed the camera and shouted with joy, "Aha! Success!"_

_Serena huffed at the brunettes trickery and skipped over to Nate who looked extremely amused by the whole thing._

_"Nice job Waldorf." She smiled, and then something dawned on her. _

_Chuck saw it happen, right before his eyes. The way her eyes widened, narrowed and her smile turned into a vicious smirk._

_She turned to Serena, a few feet in front of her and spoke, "Serena, thank you very much! It seems you have just handed over to me, blackmail of the worst kind. The __**relationship **__kind."_

_"Blair don't even think about it!"_

_She turned to him and smirked, "Oh, but I already have!" and began to walk over to the blondes. Chuck grabbed her arm and turned her around before pulling her to his chest. He then lifted her up and spun her around and set her down after he settled a kiss on her bright lips. She smiled, and he could tell she had given in. Besides, he knew she didn't want the proof that they were soft out there anyway. He smiled and kissed her again before picking her up as she laughed and smiled…_

She drifted out of her daydream with her own laughter echoing in her head. She got up from her place on the floor and placed the photograph in the box with the others before looking out her window. It had begun to rain while she was off in memories and the sky looked bleak and grey and nasty. She shuddered. Blair walked over to her bead, and prayed for sleep she knew wouldn't come. She would be clouded by memories of him.


	2. Love Is Colder Than Death

Cold

She woke the next morning, huddled in blankets, shivering from the cold. Maybe the heat was on, but she was frozen. Frozen solid to the bone. She threw the covers off, they wouldn't help bar her from the cold. She shivered once more. Ice, her bones were like ice, sending chills up and down her nerves, freezing her. She moved from her position on the bed and stumbled through all the boxes left on the floor over to her bathroom.

Blair grabbed two towels from the shelf and crossed to her bathtub. She shuddered and turned the water up full heat. As she stepped out of her clothes and into the tub, she couldn't help but think of him. Going back to New York…it was probably a mistake. Seeing him was definitely a mistake.

She rolled over onto her side to look out the window. The flat she had renovated was perfect for her, perfectly made for her, but the bathroom was her favorite. She had designed it so that it needed no lights, except for cloudy days and nights. The ceiling was made completely of glass, which allowed for a stunning view of the stars, or a fantastic view of the sky. But the best part, by far, was the bathtub. A large tub was overshadowed by a huge, slanted window that faced down towards the Parisian streets. One of Blair's favorite things to do was sit in the tub and people-watch. She did so now, as she looked on the people. They looked tiny from her glass perch above the clouds. She couldn't help but wonder if they were happy. Such tiny people, she could not see their expressions. She liked to think they were all happy; the misery that dominated her life was a foreign feeling to them.

She trembled once more. Cold. Her life was also dominated by cold. There was a time when she would be warm…fiery even. When his hands would trail along her spine, her shoulders, her stomach, and leave a path of burning that would surpass the cold. His kisses, his touch, even a mere look would ignite the flames within her and burn away the cold. Then he left. And like winter is so destined to follow the summer, the ice queen froze once more.

Once the water chilled and her need for heat was left unsatisfied, she left the bath for the last time. Blair shuffled over to her closet and grabbed the single outfit hanging there. A pair of grey pants, a ruffled white blouse, a belted baby blue cardigan with cotton ribbon trim and a gold pearled necklace. Blair didn't feel much like doing anything with her hair. Nor did she feel the need to apply makeup. She brushed through her locks and applied mascara. As she grabbed a suitcase and a pair of Gucci sunglasses, she said goodbye to her home. Her refuge. The place that had seen her in worse states than she could imagine. The place that was hers.

On another continent, Chuck Bass finished a board meeting. He had a headache and was ready to go home. Unluckily for him, one member of the board was very, very persistent, extremely obnoxious, incredibly loud, nail bitingly headache inducing, and to top it all, his sister.

"I'm going to pick up Blair in an hour." Serena said, approaching him slowly.

"Great. Fantastic. Tell her I say go the fuck away." He replied bitterly.

Serena sighed, this had been common conduct for the past two days. As soon as he found out Blair was coming home…she shook her head, this was ridiculous.

"Chuck…" she started, but he wouldn't hear it.

"Just tell that lying, cheating, whore that her presence is not wanted here. Tell her I don't want to see her, tell her she shouldn't be here. Tell her to go the fuck away, and stay away and that maybe in another 3 or so years, I would consider seeing her again."

"Chuck. You two have been in and out since you were sixteen…you wouldn't say all that if you didn't care."

"We aren't sixteen anymore. It's been ten years since that stupid incident in the limo. And every day, I still wish I could take back that kiss. Or…go back in time and strangle myself."

Serena snorted. _Like that would fix anything. _She thought, _then we would just have a dead Chuck Bass to deal with._

"Fine. I'll tell her you're out of the country or something." She said, sarcastically.

Her bad attempt at humor went unnoticed by Chuck, who replied with thanks, and made his way out the door.

_Oh Chuck, what are we going to do with you? _Serena thought.


	3. Fucking Boyfriend

Serena's 3-inch Manalos tapped against the cheap carpet, and as she stared at the offensive grey material, she couldn't help but ponder the current situation. _As though this situation was merely "current"_, she thought. It was true, Chuck and Blair had been on the outs and ins since childhood. Whether as friends or enemies - the two had always circled one another. Blair would one-up Chuck, and he would quickly return the favor, yet somehow they managed to end the day as friends with mutual respect.

What made this situation different? No one knew, but Serena had an idea. Whether admitting it or not, the two had fallen so irrevocably in love with one another, that the last and final crack in their relationship ended up being catastrophic. While Serena acknowledged they would never be able to mend their relationship enough to love each other again, she saw no reason why they couldn't at least be amicable.

The sign Serena was currently staring at suddenly flipped, and as she tossed her coffee in the black bin, only one thought passed through her mind…_and so it begins._

Chuck and Nate stumbled through the door of suite 1812. Though no longer inhabited by Chuck Bass, he still kept it as a safe vestibule and occasional stop for one night stands.

"Marijuana should be legal. Marijuana should be **so **legal, that it would be legal for me to have it growing in my backyard! And I don't even have a backyard! Nope, I would _buy_ a backyard, just so I could farm marijuana! I could be a marijuana farmer, a farmer of marijuana…I mean sure I wouldn't be like, a competitive marijuana dealer, not commercial…but home grown, nice marijuana…I could invent organic marijuana! And I could sell it to the clinically depressed…cuz you know when you think about it, clinically depressed people wouldn't be that way if they were smoking up twice a day…depressed I mean. I'm depressed. I should smoke marijuana. Remind me why I don't do that again?"

"Because you're a 26 year-old man running a big, fat, corporation-thing…. and I, as your best friend would not have you do that because I am really drunk…what were we saying? Responsible! I am a responsible! I am a responsible 27 year old with…drunkness and liver problems!" Nate then collapsed on the couch with that final exclamation before turning his head to look at his friend, who most likely was still pondering the legality of a large scale organic marijuana produce corporation. "We are going to be so sorry in the morning, aren't we?"

"Most likely," said Chuck. "but at this point, I would do anything to forget why I'm drunk in the first place. And I have! So the mission was successful because I can't remember why I am sad, and am therefore inclined to assume that I was never sad, and just really happy and my life is awesome. Which it is. Awesome…I'm awesome, you're awesome! We are all awesome! Except Serena…Serena isn't awesome."

Face down on Chuck's large leather sofa, Nate Archibald groaned. "That's why I'm sad! Why? Why would you do that? You hate me. I forgot why I was sad and you reminded me and I hate you, too then!" Chuck laughed at Nate's outburst and laughed at the ridiculous situation.

"Okay man, I think I'm going to call it a night? You wanna crash here?" The only reply Chuck received was the sound of Nate's heavy sleep-breathing.

The causes of the two drunk men sat in Serena's car as they sat in traffic, contemplating the pregnant silence that permeated the air.

"My mother tells me you're with Nate now?" Blair asked, wishing to fill the silence.

"Was. Was with Nate." Serena corrected. As they came to a halt in traffic, Serena turned her head to really take a look at her friend. Blair, unfortunately, did not look very well. Large dark circles sat underneath her eyes, her cheeks were sallow, her skin looked tired. Blair's couture clothing and expensive taste were absent. Rather, her friend wore a pair of faded jeans, brown boots, and a simple white long sleeved v-neck t-shirt, and a brown leather jacket which she soon disposed of, revealing the lack of fat that hung from Blair's frame. All and all, Serena's friend had aged years farther than her 26.

"You don't look so good, B." Serena flinched when Blair turned her cold eyes to face her.

"Really? And here I thought that I was the picture of perfect health." The sarcastic response bit at Serena, but she fought back emotion. She knew Blair, this was typical Blair.

"Have you been eating anything? Taking those pills?" Serena knew what the answer was, and she knew Blair wasn't stupid enough to try to pull the wool over Serena's eyes.

"Does it matter?" Blair turned to face out the window, "everyone wants me dead anyway. Why not speed up the process?"

"Everyone has missed you B, and I mean everyone. Chu-"

"So where's Nate, then? I guess he was too busy being political to bother seeing me. I always saw him as an army guy, not really the behind-the-desk, out-of-action kind of guy. I guess he has his family to think of. That's so considerate of him."

Serena sighed once more at Blair's refusal to say his name.

The two drunks across town sighed contentedly in their sleep. Well, one did. The other stood to stare out the window at the ongoing traffic. He had only pretended so as not to hurt Nate's feelings. But Nate should know by now. As if a couple glasses of some expensive scotch could make him forget _her_.

] A storm was coming, and he would be damn well ready to face it.


	4. Falling Away With You

_Paris, France_

_November __20, 2009_

"Miss Waldorf? _Madame? _Miss Waldorf?" Blair's attention finally snapped from the window to the woman in front of her, the woman simply stared at her, Blair realized with a tinge of embarrassment that an answer was expected of her.

"I…I'm sorry could you please repeat the question?" The woman sighed, her left hand moving to remove her glasses, her right massaging the bridge between her nose._ Her nose…her nose was too large for her face_, Blair thought, then realized-a little too late-that the woman's mouth had begun to move again.

"I asked Miss Waldorf…" The therapist shook her head and sighed once more upon realizing the lack of attention she received from her patient. "Miss Waldorf, is there any particular reason for your state of mind today?" But Blair was too caught up in the grey windy scenery of the rainy days of Paris to regard the question with more than a little notice.

"What's that?" she replied.

"The…distraction. Your mind seems to be somewhere else today. It appears you have become incapable of expressing much interest in anything besides the current weather."

Blair turned once more to the woman. This woman was her sixth therapist in the past ten months, but decidedly the best. The woman's calm demeanor and undeniable patience, along with a willingness to drop a subject and sit in complete silence for an hour came in handy quite often. For the oddest of reasons, Blair found it comforting to simply sit in the company of this woman.

"It was a day like this, you know. When everything changed, for me…"she paused, "for him."

"Is this the same man you mentioned before?" Blair nodded in response.

"It was a day just like this…everything had seemed so bright, so colorful. I could have outshone the sun…and I believed I could, and my sun went out-and I was left with this."

"You say the world was colorful? What do you mean by that?"

"I mean just that. My whole world was aglow…gold. Everything was bathed in gold. The leaves were the brightest reds and yellows and I knew it would happen soon. I told him I loved him, and I…I thought he returned those feelings. But then reality struck. He hadn't meant them. He…he…" Blair stifled a sob with her sleeve. "he nothing. We were nothing. And all the gold and the shine in the world couldn't cover up the truth. That man is rotten and cold and heartless inside. And I loved him. I loved something that couldn't love me back, and I should have known it. I should have…but I didn't. I wouldn't let myself believe he didn't mean it. He didn't love me, he wanted me. And he got me, and then my world, my whole world cracked and splintered apart and I realized I was left with this. The cold. The unforgiving, never-ceasing cold. The silenced murmurings of a broken heart, and every time it beats it gets a little fainter. Like an old rusted machine that's gotten too old, and no one cares for it any longer so it breaks…I'm broken."

The therapist had no response. Two months of monosyllabic answers and probing hadn't gotten her nearly this far, and all the sudden it seemed the dam broke and all the answers came flooding out, and all the questions were no longer necessary. All because of on grey, placid day.

"Miss Waldorf, I believe you must return to New York." Blair's head rose from its place in her hands to question the woman with her eyes. "You've run away. You ran away from New York last February, you left your home. You left with no sense of closure, and it was the god damndest cowardly thing I've ever heard of! Your heart may be broken, but what's good about a broken heart is its ability to make you stronger. And staying right close to the thing that makes you feel the most pain can be horrific, but it is necessary. You cannot run, Miss Waldorf, from the things that make you feel pain. Whether or not you believe it, those things follow you everywhere, every little shadow of fear or doubt is a product of your own inability to face them. Every whisper of self-doubt is a painful memory you were too cowardly to face. So return, and face those fears and become strong. Grow from your pain, Miss Waldorf, learn from it. Learn to appreciate it for what it is."

"Which is?"

"The chance to start anew. With new love, and new heartbreak, and new pain."

* * *

Blair stood at the telephone booth in the rain on the corner by her favorite restaurant, a warm croissant in hand-as if clutching the thing would assuage her fears. With more than a little hesitation she picked up the phone and dialed the one number she had known since a very young age.

"_Hello, you've reached the Van der Woodsen home, leave a message and number, and you will be contacted shortly!"_

Blair closed her eyes and took in the sound of Serena Van der Woodsen's voice. It was probably for the best, it wasn't as if she hadn't called the number before, simply to listen to the message she had known since childhood. As Blair turned to walk away from the phone it rang, one, two, three times before her trembling gloved hand reached out to grasp the plastic device.

"H-hello?" she said. Mentally kicking herself for the stutter.

"Hello? Who is this? Hello?" came the obviously annoyed voice on the other end. Blair mentally kicked herself again for forgetting the time zone change.

"Serena…Serena it's me. Blair. I'm…I'm coming home. Soon. I thought I would let you know…Goodbye." She hung up and stared at the device with horror. What had she done? Now she had tied herself to a certain future of returning.

Caught up in her own disastrous fault, Blair did not realize the phone hadn't been hung exactly right, and failed to notice the voice coming from the other end.

"Blair? Blair did you say you're coming home? Blair? Blair!"


End file.
